'Tis The Season To Be Poorly.

So, looking at this blog page it really does feel like that scene from “Jumanji” where Robin Williams walks into the old shoe factory, something used to be here... but I don’t know what.
That was a lie, I do know what it was, a kick ass blog, so I’m reopening the shoe factory.

So, It’s December, which means; the excitement is here, Christmas is round the corner, and national “get as drunk as you can” night is not far off. But let us face it, there’s one thing we can’t stand about winter, one thing we dread when it comes to November, and it isn’t the sudden ability to consume copious amounts of alcohol in one.
Go into work, school, college, prison, wherever it is you spend your day and look around. Do you see empty seats? Deserted classrooms? Cells left unattended, which has nothing to do with the sudden hole in the wall?
Yes. Of course you do, it’s flipping winter, whenever winter comes about you can stop thinking about being productive and put everything to the side, in fact, I dare say you’d better watch out, and better not cry, you’d better not pout, because, like a slightly rotund, bearded present giver, the cold is coming to town.
That’s right, the cold virus (for you eggheads that’s VURI, now may I suggest leaving this blog because it’s obviously far too light-hearted for your eyes) and all its infectious little buddies are settling down and making camp in you’re immune system. Whether it’s a cough, a tickly throat or the dreaded “what’s going around”, statistically 6 in 4 people you know will be ill at any one time. This poses a dreadful dilemma for those who aren’t ill, even worse, those who are. So I shall, as a return to my article, be attempting to guide people into the ins and outs of being ill, and not getting ill.
First we’ll start with the healthy people or “Winners” as you shall now be known.
For you who hardly every get ill, perhaps a sniffle for a week in November, congratulations, you’ve won the national health lottery, although chance dictates you’re more likely to get a “big’un” in your life, so watch out for that.
My main advice is to stay away form any of the “losers” out there, and if possible go to your nearest radioactive testing facility and “borrow” a hazmat suit, what could possibly go wrong?
Now, I can hear you saying now, “Joe, you disembodied sage, where do you stand on this scale of winners and losers? Where do you come into the national health lottery?” Well I hate to say it guys, but I’m not the one who gets a cold a year, or the sniffles for a week, oh no, I’m the one who can catch, have and get rid of a cold in 36 hours. I’m just that good. Once again I hear you shout “Joe for your own safety, get an illness, you just told us we will all have a big’un! And plus you never described what it was!” well kids I got mine out the way early. Pneumonia at aged 7.
Now for the doomed.
If you are ill, whether it is a cold, flu, an Australian scratch, or pneumonia, take my advice. Stay inside. Don’t bother going to work, school, college, prison, because you will feel just like a leper, because that’s all you are to us healthy people. In fact I am guilty of this myself, today while in one of my classes, a girl came over to me and I asked how she was, she replied “very ill” now without thinking I moved slightly further away from her, but, so I didn’t seem like a grade A twat, I passed it off as a joke, allowing me to be more of a Grade C twat at best.
Also wrap up warm, germs are allergic to scarves and wool, which is the only reason people own scarves and gloves, I mean lets face it, gloves are far too impractical and scarves are a volatile clothing snake ready to kill at the smallest “snag and slip” (also a winter version of the “slip and slide” also a reason why I’m not allowed to create children’s’ games), so why else wear them? The warmth also allows for you to fall asleep better, since heat induces warmth, to a certain degree, I’m pretty sure you couldn’t set up a bed on top of a volcano and say “it’s better than nightol!”, and sleep is another of the illness’s natural predators, it can’t stand the idea of being stationary, not being able to move from one doomed host to the next.
Finally, I’d advise staying away from any kind of farm yard animal. Animals only ever lead to disaster where illness is concerned, we’ve had cows who’ve gone crazy, cat’s with aids (though, that would have to be a different kind of petting zoo) and now pigs with a bad cold.
Now I know it’s old and it’s not “cool” to mock swine flu anymore, but I’m thoroughly anti zombie, and anything that is causing a zombie outbreak deserves a fresh layer of mock paint. This story states that the “carriers” as they shall now be known, have symptoms such as “acting violently and speaking gibberish” expected to be added to that list soon: “shuffling of movements” and “biting of necks”. All very zombie like behaviour. Now before you panic, head up to the attic (zombies can’t climb after all) and ready the rations, note that firstly this is Japan, and secondly it only effects ages up to 17, so basically teenagers. Now if this is only teenagers that are experiencing this, all the above symptoms are really not that unnatural; violence, non sensical sayings, shuffling and now, thanks to the “twilight” craze, biting of necks is now becoming more common, these crazed girls will do anything for that hot guys attention, even it that “attention” is in the form of a court order.
“Ahh, a restraining order! He’s probably afraid he’ll hurt me, aww”
So no real panic, since teenagers have been around for years, decades I’d say, and no zombie apocalypse yet.

Joe Strange

In the month’s I’ve been away I’ve been unable to mock “Twilight” swine-flu or the Japanese in writing, so this was a welcome release for me.