Lie down!

So, I’m positive this is a subject everyone on the planet can relate to (except maybe Bruce Forsyth) as it’s one of mans natural urges, the most powerful one besides sex and checking your email every half hour.

While most people would disparage lying (or merely tut if you’re English), I would like to take the lower moral road and say, “go ahead” and “do it” and other such catchy phrases. Because once again, at the Crack’d Pot, we don’t like to take the normal easy road, since the harder road tends to be more fun (unless you have a full bladder, in which case it’s hilarious).

Lying, to me is as essential as a good meal, or bathing, but unlike food and showering lying has this negative stigma attached to it, because many people have given it a bad reputation, much like the great white shark, or the humble honey badger. In this edition I aim to talk about these people, these people who have lead us to believe and to be told, that lying is evil and worth a lock up in the great oven downstairs (that’s hell I’m talking about).

You see these people everyday, for personal gain normally, not that that isn’t worth lying about. Take for example the expenses scandal, for those who aren’t sure what happened, join the club because neither am I, but what I can gather is that politicians claimed money from the government that shouldn’t be claimed from the government for things that the government didn’t want to pay for and were in fact for the selfish fools own gain. (Yeah, why do you think I didn’t do a blog on the “Credit Crunch”) for instance “Oh this? Yes I’ll have a receipt for this cream egg, why yes, the government need my car working and I heard that eggs can be used to fix a leaky radiator... what do you mean these eggs don’t work?” (The worse thing is my best friend, and a viewer of this blog is highly political and will tear me a new one for that). What I’m trying to get at is this sort of lie doesn’t help anyone; in fact this hinders people, because maybe it was because people were claiming on moats that we are in recession. (Once again, I don’t know, I’m just guessing).

But maybe the real reason lying isn’t seen as an amazing trait (where has the truth ever got anyone after all?) is not due to the fact that lying can help you gain something, people do that all the time. (Even me, I know) but more due to the idea that lying is in fact really deceptive. “No dur” I hear you yell, again with the loudness, “Lying isn’t being truthful? Mehuuuh” well it’s something more than that. We, and by “we” I mean humans, have an irksome tendency towards the gaining of knowledge, in fact some people and by “some people” I mean people who pay attention to the bible, say that this pursuit of knowledge was in fact the original sin after all the tree that Adam and Eve stole the apple from was called the tree of knowledge, and they were stealing that apple. Granted sins have “grown up” a bit now, in hindsight Adam and Eve’s rebellion in a garden, where they were basically scrumping, seems a bit tame now that we have guns and bank heists and expenses scams. So back to my point about original sin, most people think of the “Original” as the best, for instance, in film: terminator is much more badass than the T200, in songs: the original “Valerie” by the Zutons is much better than the Amy Winehouse version (I mean really, could you have a more suiting name?) and finally cereal: Cocopops are by far superior to Morrison’s chocolate coated puffs of rice, though the name isn’t as catchy. Therefore we must conclude that the original is the best and most memoriable.

So humans have an unhealthy pursuit of knowledge blah blah... go off on tangent about cereal... ah yes.

so by deceiving someone you are taking away their knowledge of the subject, for instance, by replying to the question “Did you kill my dog?” with “No, he just kicked himself off the cliff” you are taking away that person’s reason to break up with you, by replying to the question “did you steal that cookie from the cookie jar?” with “Who me?” and then to the next question of “Yes you” with “couldn’t have been” you are officially a demigod in my eyes and we should definitely get a drink together.
But also you stole a cookie, which is bad, because cookies are very good.
So in a roundabout way I’ve started on the subject of lying, the bad parts over now, the negative stigma will be detached and thrown carelessly into a bin like a used rubber sheath next week.

Joe Strange

The first “two part-er” blog, I feel so serial drama-y.

Nature Deserves An ASBO

First of all, I am dreadfully sorry about my fortnightly absence, It seems college and exams got the better of me and I was too strained to write, or do anything for that matter, even revise.

Now to this weeks topic.

Today, on one of my many walks around my village, I decided to take a scenic route to my house, as oppose to the straight line that I normally take. A straight line to and from somewhere? Why that's impossible! I disagree, While turning on the spot may, to passers by, make you look like an indecisive fool, it has it's uses if you live in a relatively linear village. So, I walked straight passed my house and went down A delightful country lane. Down this lane I happened upon a majestic, colourful, regal pigeon, well a large pigeon, it could very well have been a pheasant. Anyway, this inquisitive creature was poking around a garden, most likely trying to find a way into the abode to steal an MP3 player, I hear they fetch a high price on the foul market.
Now, as I live in the estate of the village and only ever leave to go to college or work this was a rare sight for me. I reached for my camera to catch the culprit in the act of theft, but I was too slow and it hopped to the next garden, I proceed to pursue the thief but was outmatched by the fact that god preferred them over us and gave birds wings.
The sad thing is I will most likely see that bird on the nearby road since people insist on driving 1,000,000 MPH along my village.

And then, continuing my walk, having had a bitter taste of wildlife "photography" and by the term I mean pointing the camera at the bird, and then catching only the garden as it has flown away. (A very nice garden it is too.) I grasp my camera looking for more fluffy creatures or more of gods examples of favouritism. not long was I strolling along the meandering lane as I stopped, looked down to my feet and saw a small wild rabbit staring at me in the face. This brought back fond memories of when I was walking along the road to work and stopped, looked down to see a small brown rabbit staring me down, I stepped cautiously to try not to startle it it bolted towards the road, and then back into the hedge, once again I cursed god for not giving me that comically quick movement, I smiled at seeing the lovely 'ickle bunny and continued on. My fond memories brought to a halt as I remember the poor brown shape that lay on the same road two days before. The rabbit had gone, AND the bastard has stolen my MP3 player.

So after being mugged, and slowly being convinced nature is a hoodie, I decide to take the back route to my house, now this involves climbing an overgrown hedge and traversing a tree and THEN clambering over the fence. I haven't done this for a few years and forgot what neglect can do to both a body and a back entrance. I swung over some nettles using an overhead branch, and then pulled myself up the bank using another branch, pleased at my efforts I smiled, peered over the fence to realise, this was not my house. Nor was the one to the left or right of me, in fact my house was 2 houses along from this one. Obviously in precautions for the Thieving ferrets or scheming squirrels of the neighbourhood, this branch was fitted with an anti burglar device and broke, I, thinking fast reached for the overhead branch, unfortunately my ankle had attracted some thorns and this stopped me from avoiding the fall, tearing my jeans and causing me to fall into a mixture of nettles and rocks. Disgruntled I walked around and came in the front door, where I proceeded to write to you. Because I care about you and don't want you to get mugged by a rabbit, assaulted by a vine or tricked by a pheasant.

So in conclusion, Stay inside make less attempts to change your routine, because nature is a bully who wants your dinner money.

Joe Strange
Proceeding outside can cause many side effects, worst of all the horrible growth known as a social life, you have been warned.