Lies! Part 2, the re-lyening

Ok, I realise I’ve missed a few weeks recently but I actually have a valid reason for last weeks instance of “no blog”. Last Wednesday I Had an English Language exam, and spent Tuesday night (blog night) Revising, and by revising I mean freaking out until I passed out. So that is my reason but I don’t need to explain myself to you, you’re the internet. By the way, I may find myself clarifying if I’m lying or not this week; just in case you take me a bit too seriously.

So last we- I mean 2 weeks ago I started talking about lying, and this week I intend to continue that trend for one more article. That was not a lie. In the last edition I focused on the negative stigma attached to lying, stating it was one of man's innate characteristics and as natural as sex and bathing. This edition I intend to focus on the positive aspects of lying, where my selfish character may come through, and where I may disregard peoples feelings, but what do you care, you’re the internet.

I’m a lying fanatic, I used to lie all the time when I was a kid, just so that my stories would be entertaining, however after a few too many no way that happened’s from my friends I started telling the truth, but then my stories became less interesting... So I started to lie again (this is not a lie). But that’s the thing, being a guy who adores people’s attention and laughter I find myself expanding the truth some what, making things a bigger deal than they were, or adding a nun who swears, it’s all the same thing, but it’s not just me who works in the lies to get laughs, comedians do it all the time, they will change a story (which may not even be true in the first place) to make it more relatable or funnier. And the thing is there is nothing wrong with this sort of thing, it is harmless lying. No one is hurt and no one really looses out, the audience laugh and the comedian feels good about themselves.

We’re taught from an early age that lying is wrong, if you drew on the wall, you were to confess, it’s wrong to draw on the wall. If you stab Jim with a pencil, blame it on the quiet girl, you would not last long in prison, I mean come on, you’re a kid. But we’re also told about these wonderful things called “White Lies” these are the sorts of lies comedians, children and I love.

Oxford English Dictionary describes a "White Lie” as – A harmless lie told to avoid hurting someone’s feelings now, if you’re like one of those foreign men who sell fake Rolex’s on the street and by that I mean sneaky, not, a foreign man selling Rolex’s on the street, then you can interpret this in one of two ways:

One, you could interpret it the way teachers, parents and probation officers want you to, that you can tell a lie to stop you hurting someone’s feelings, and be boring, or you could interpret it the better way: Note how the describe says “Avoid hurting someone’s feelings” it doesn’t say someone else’s feelings. Which means a white lie can be used to make you feel better; the dictionary allows us to lie to make ourselves feel good, which means we can actually do whatever the hell we want. Think about it:

“Jim, did you eat the last of the Jaffa Cakes?”
telling the truth: “Yes I did Mama, I apologise”
“Well, You shall be grounded, and worst of all, I’m very disappointed in you Jim.”
Whereas
“Jim, did you eat the last Jaffa Cake?”
White Lie: “No”
“Oh good, now I don’t have to ground you and I’m very proud of you, you’re much better looking and talented than your younger brother.”

Everybody wins! See what Jim did there, he told a white lie to make someone feel better, even if that someone was himself, but as we’ve established, those are the rules. If he had told the truth then his mum would be sad because she would have to be disappointed, and everyone hates that, and plus he wouldn’t be able to go to that big high school dance with Jenny, who totally puts out.

And if you think about it, white lies with their original boring, selfless intention, are the worst kind of lies. If someone asks you “Does my bum look big in this?” and you don’t reply “Yes, your bottom is now the equivalent mass of all the tubs of Ben and Jerry’s that girls who have ever been dumped have eaten” then you are taking away you’re now both overweight and angry girlfriends excuse to mow you down and eat the remains.

But then, I’m sure I’d be pretty peeved if someone mowed me down and ate what was left, so in a way the 2 meanings contradict each other into a paradoxical whirlwind of lies.

So in the last 2 weeks we have literally gotten nowhere in the investigation into lying. Oh well.

Joe Strange

Has a terrible feeling all my childhood friends will now turn on me for telling fibs.