Ok, so I don't plan to make 30 a new big thing, but Unfortunatly there isn't going to be a crack'd pot this tuesday, perhaps there will be one this week at some point, as long as I get the majority of the 4 projects I have to do done.
Sorry about that,
Tuesday, 23 February 2010
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
Flip!
So it's Tuesday, which means it's time for the Crack'd Pot. But it's also Shrove Tuesday which, to non religious people, (IE Almost everyone I know) means it is Pancake day! I'll let you take that in a minute.
So Pancake day, possibly the greatest day of the year (except maybe talk like a pirate day). It's the day where we make pancakes. It's a plain and simple holiday, a real "Ronseal" Job:
"It's Pancake Day what do you do?"
"Make some Pancakes"
As opposed to:
"It's Christmas day! What do you do?"
"Christ some mass? I'm at a loss"
Really Pancake day is the least confusable day. Which is really pretty sweet, it involves no brain power at all. Which we like. So Happy Pancake day to you.
So, it's obvious that I have forgotten (or never knew) the real reason of Pancake Day, Shrove Tuesday, but apparently it marks the day before Ash Wednesday (which was the second choice in naming the hero of the Pokemon series) and is a time for Christians to repent and clear themselves of sin in preparation for Lent, the whole forty days, forty nights thing that gives fat people a chance to make up on their failed new years resolution of "put down the fork". Which makes some sense to me, this is how the religious people see it:
Flour, Eggs and Milk are the equivalent of our sins
So we use up all the Flour, Eggs and Milk to show repenting our sins.
This leaves us with no Flour, Eggs or Milk, showing we have no sins.
Or, how I see it:
Flour, Eggs and Milk are really hard to find in your cupboard.
We Buy Flour, Eggs and Milk to make pancakes in preparation for our forty days of giving stuff up.
We then have no Flour, Eggs and Milk. Which means fat women have no cake baking ingredients, so they can "put down the fork"
I'm just saying it's one of the religious celebrations which has REALLY lost it's meaning; sure Christmas is commercial as hell, but you still have the whole Jesus thing with pancake day it's lost all meaning and is just about making awesome food. Not that I'm complaining.
That's all I'm saying, that and it's a conspiracy to make fat chicks thin again.
But I'm not here to talk only about Pancakes; those delicious, cakey, pans. No, I want to talk about holidays in general. With Valentine's day just gone (which is just swell), Easter around the corner (an early one this year), Christmas was a month and a half ago, and bonfire night and Halloween shortly before that it's clear to see that winter is a season of holidays.
Now I remember in School the teachers telling us that this was because of the shorter days of winter, and people needing cheering up, which for once, I buy. I mean cases of S.A.D (yeah, awesome mnemonic) are vastly increased in winter, when there's less vitamin D coming from the sun, because the damn clouds cover it (Darn you clouds!). So people need celebrations like Christmas, Bonfire Night, and Valentine's day to make you feel happier (though some may argue Valentine's doesn't make everyone cheery).
But that leaves summer. Now most summers are lovely and warm with the sun out and shining and what not, but if you're English, and live in England, you will have noticed, the sun is not that happy to be out and about in the summer.
Which leads me to my point, why don't we have some sort of holiday celebration in summer? almost every month has one up until June, and then after September, but there is a lull halfway through the year.
Thinking about it, it's quite simple. Everyone is happier in the summer in general, the sun has more chance of coming out, (now it's starting to sound like a closet homosexual) and most people have time off.
And, I suppose we do have holidays in the summer, just not religious ones. For music lovers, there's Glastonbury, for Comedy Lovers there's the Edinburgh festival Fringe, for Art lovers there's the Festival itself, and for sports lovers.. well I'm sure there's some sort of championship. This leads me to believe that summer is actually a relatively new invention, and the creators of this season realised we didn't have that much going on in those three or four months, so gave us these new "modern" things.
So once again in "The Crack'd pot" the point has been alluded and all discussion nullified.
Happy Pancake day!
Joe Strange
Is pretty damn excited about the summer.
So Pancake day, possibly the greatest day of the year (except maybe talk like a pirate day). It's the day where we make pancakes. It's a plain and simple holiday, a real "Ronseal" Job:
"It's Pancake Day what do you do?"
"Make some Pancakes"
As opposed to:
"It's Christmas day! What do you do?"
"Christ some mass? I'm at a loss"
Really Pancake day is the least confusable day. Which is really pretty sweet, it involves no brain power at all. Which we like. So Happy Pancake day to you.
So, it's obvious that I have forgotten (or never knew) the real reason of Pancake Day, Shrove Tuesday, but apparently it marks the day before Ash Wednesday (which was the second choice in naming the hero of the Pokemon series) and is a time for Christians to repent and clear themselves of sin in preparation for Lent, the whole forty days, forty nights thing that gives fat people a chance to make up on their failed new years resolution of "put down the fork". Which makes some sense to me, this is how the religious people see it:
Flour, Eggs and Milk are the equivalent of our sins
So we use up all the Flour, Eggs and Milk to show repenting our sins.
This leaves us with no Flour, Eggs or Milk, showing we have no sins.
Or, how I see it:
Flour, Eggs and Milk are really hard to find in your cupboard.
We Buy Flour, Eggs and Milk to make pancakes in preparation for our forty days of giving stuff up.
We then have no Flour, Eggs and Milk. Which means fat women have no cake baking ingredients, so they can "put down the fork"
I'm just saying it's one of the religious celebrations which has REALLY lost it's meaning; sure Christmas is commercial as hell, but you still have the whole Jesus thing with pancake day it's lost all meaning and is just about making awesome food. Not that I'm complaining.
That's all I'm saying, that and it's a conspiracy to make fat chicks thin again.
But I'm not here to talk only about Pancakes; those delicious, cakey, pans. No, I want to talk about holidays in general. With Valentine's day just gone (which is just swell), Easter around the corner (an early one this year), Christmas was a month and a half ago, and bonfire night and Halloween shortly before that it's clear to see that winter is a season of holidays.
Now I remember in School the teachers telling us that this was because of the shorter days of winter, and people needing cheering up, which for once, I buy. I mean cases of S.A.D (yeah, awesome mnemonic) are vastly increased in winter, when there's less vitamin D coming from the sun, because the damn clouds cover it (Darn you clouds!). So people need celebrations like Christmas, Bonfire Night, and Valentine's day to make you feel happier (though some may argue Valentine's doesn't make everyone cheery).
But that leaves summer. Now most summers are lovely and warm with the sun out and shining and what not, but if you're English, and live in England, you will have noticed, the sun is not that happy to be out and about in the summer.
Which leads me to my point, why don't we have some sort of holiday celebration in summer? almost every month has one up until June, and then after September, but there is a lull halfway through the year.
Thinking about it, it's quite simple. Everyone is happier in the summer in general, the sun has more chance of coming out, (now it's starting to sound like a closet homosexual) and most people have time off.
And, I suppose we do have holidays in the summer, just not religious ones. For music lovers, there's Glastonbury, for Comedy Lovers there's the Edinburgh festival Fringe, for Art lovers there's the Festival itself, and for sports lovers.. well I'm sure there's some sort of championship. This leads me to believe that summer is actually a relatively new invention, and the creators of this season realised we didn't have that much going on in those three or four months, so gave us these new "modern" things.
So once again in "The Crack'd pot" the point has been alluded and all discussion nullified.
Happy Pancake day!
Joe Strange
Is pretty damn excited about the summer.
Tuesday, 9 February 2010
Complaining 101
It’s the wail of a small child on public transport, who no matter what won’t shut up. It’s the shrill beep of a dying schizophrenic smoke alarm. It’s the stupid high pitched tone that your phone makes when the battery is low.
If any of you are saying “Those are all things that could beat ‘Jedward’ in a singing contest” you were partly right. Because like the subject itself this week, ‘Jedward’ are annoying, in fact the subject matter this week is actually annoyance. Because, we are all humans, and we all get annoyed, sometimes we get peeved for the wrong reasons, other times our restrained growls are completely suitable.
I myself are very easily wound up, I’m assuming it comes with the territory of having 5 older siblings constantly berating me for anything I do, or perhaps it’s because for the first 15 years of my life I had this following conversation with everyone I met:
Idiot: So what’s your name?
Lesser idiot: Joe
Idiot: What’s your second name, Joe?
Lesser idiot: Joe Strange
Idiot: Waaaaay I bet you’re a bit WEIRD, Sorry, can’t talk, my mum told me not to talk to STRANGERS
You can imagine that would get tedious after a while. Add to this a lazy eye, an inability at sports and a quirky nature and you have yourself a grade A piece of easy-to-annoy-pie. Even now that I’ve acknowledged that my name is in fact badass, that my quirky nature is in fact just funny, and that sports suck, I’m still quite easy to tip over the metaphorical edge, for instance today I shouted at a group of people for 5 minutes straight about the inaccuracies of using “Lol’d”. That’s right, I am that guy.
But I’ve found recently that I’m getting annoyed more and more, and not only that, it’s for much more ridiculous things that I’m doing it. So I thought “Joe, You can’t keep getting annoyed at every shrill squeak or retarded laugh, you need to sort yourself out”, therefore I have attempted to determine what is allowed to get me annoyed, and hopefully, you’ll agree and use my rules. If not then why are you reading this? Go out and play!
So, what then, in Joe’s new world of “selective annoyance” classes as annoying? Now these are not steadfast rules so feel free to change them to be more lenient or strict depending on your demeanour but this is a simple set of rules to follow until you find your own threshold.
The senses are the centre of this approach. If an “annoyance stimuli” affects more than two of the 5 traditional senses (Sound, Sight, Smell, Touch or Taste) then it is deemed to be annoying, and the appropriate annoyance responses are as follows:
1 sense: Suck it up and hum a tune in your head, this isn’t annoying, this is just inconvenient.
2 senses: You are allowed to shake your head and sigh to yourself. If you are with another annoyee, you may tilt your head towards the stimuli and sigh,
3 senses: You are permitted to tut disapprovingly and mutter to yourself. As with 2, you may also mutter and moan to your friend so that the annoyee may pick up on the vague subject matter.
4 senses: You begin to throw your arms in the air and say loudly “For Christ’s sake”. You and your partner may talk louder, so the annoyee definitely knows they are in the wrong.
5 senses: Physical violence is now permitted, unless it is a small child, in which case you may pull a scary face and “steal their nose” but do NOT return it. You and your companion may either attempt to beat up the annoyee or outsmart it if they are larger than you in size.
Please remember, these rules only apply when within a confined and or inescapable place, if you have the chance; you are permitted to leave the area after 2 senses have been compromised.
For clarity I will now give you some examples of possible combinations:
1 sense: Loud music emanating from someone’s headphones right next to you. (Sound)
2 senses: A baby who has just soiled itself and is crying about it. (Smell & Sound)
3 senses: Someone is eating bag of smelly crisps, such as cheese and onion, with their mouth open and the shrapnel is being spat at you. (Smell, Sound & Touch)
4 senses: At a gig which your friend assured you would be “your type of music” but in fact isn’t, lights are flashing sporadically, someone has just peed themselves so that they can stay for “the big finale” and a large sweaty man has removed his top and his moist man boobs are rubbing against you (Sound, Sight, Smell & Touch)
5 senses: An ugly baby is crying because it’s soiled itself inside your mouth and just hit you. (All five)
On top of these “sensation annoyances” you are also permitted to be peeved if you have just found out a girl you liked in school liked you at the same time, your favourite band have split, or that they are creating a sequel to IceAge.
What do you mean they have? God Dammit!
Joe Strange
I actually looked up who it is cool to hate, It is Jedward
Tuesday, 2 February 2010
Lies! Part 2, the re-lyening
Ok, I realise I’ve missed a few weeks recently but I actually have a valid reason for last weeks instance of “no blog”. Last Wednesday I Had an English Language exam, and spent Tuesday night (blog night) Revising, and by revising I mean freaking out until I passed out. So that is my reason but I don’t need to explain myself to you, you’re the internet. By the way, I may find myself clarifying if I’m lying or not this week; just in case you take me a bit too seriously.
So last we- I mean 2 weeks ago I started talking about lying, and this week I intend to continue that trend for one more article. That was not a lie. In the last edition I focused on the negative stigma attached to lying, stating it was one of man's innate characteristics and as natural as sex and bathing. This edition I intend to focus on the positive aspects of lying, where my selfish character may come through, and where I may disregard peoples feelings, but what do you care, you’re the internet.
I’m a lying fanatic, I used to lie all the time when I was a kid, just so that my stories would be entertaining, however after a few too many no way that happened’s from my friends I started telling the truth, but then my stories became less interesting... So I started to lie again (this is not a lie). But that’s the thing, being a guy who adores people’s attention and laughter I find myself expanding the truth some what, making things a bigger deal than they were, or adding a nun who swears, it’s all the same thing, but it’s not just me who works in the lies to get laughs, comedians do it all the time, they will change a story (which may not even be true in the first place) to make it more relatable or funnier. And the thing is there is nothing wrong with this sort of thing, it is harmless lying. No one is hurt and no one really looses out, the audience laugh and the comedian feels good about themselves.
We’re taught from an early age that lying is wrong, if you drew on the wall, you were to confess, it’s wrong to draw on the wall. If you stab Jim with a pencil, blame it on the quiet girl, you would not last long in prison, I mean come on, you’re a kid. But we’re also told about these wonderful things called “White Lies” these are the sorts of lies comedians, children and I love.
Oxford English Dictionary describes a "White Lie” as – A harmless lie told to avoid hurting someone’s feelings now, if you’re like one of those foreign men who sell fake Rolex’s on the street and by that I mean sneaky, not, a foreign man selling Rolex’s on the street, then you can interpret this in one of two ways:
One, you could interpret it the way teachers, parents and probation officers want you to, that you can tell a lie to stop you hurting someone’s feelings, and be boring, or you could interpret it the better way: Note how the describe says “Avoid hurting someone’s feelings” it doesn’t say someone else’s feelings. Which means a white lie can be used to make you feel better; the dictionary allows us to lie to make ourselves feel good, which means we can actually do whatever the hell we want. Think about it:
“Jim, did you eat the last of the Jaffa Cakes?”
telling the truth: “Yes I did Mama, I apologise”
“Well, You shall be grounded, and worst of all, I’m very disappointed in you Jim.”
Whereas
“Jim, did you eat the last Jaffa Cake?”
White Lie: “No”
“Oh good, now I don’t have to ground you and I’m very proud of you, you’re much better looking and talented than your younger brother.”
Everybody wins! See what Jim did there, he told a white lie to make someone feel better, even if that someone was himself, but as we’ve established, those are the rules. If he had told the truth then his mum would be sad because she would have to be disappointed, and everyone hates that, and plus he wouldn’t be able to go to that big high school dance with Jenny, who totally puts out.
And if you think about it, white lies with their original boring, selfless intention, are the worst kind of lies. If someone asks you “Does my bum look big in this?” and you don’t reply “Yes, your bottom is now the equivalent mass of all the tubs of Ben and Jerry’s that girls who have ever been dumped have eaten” then you are taking away you’re now both overweight and angry girlfriends excuse to mow you down and eat the remains.
But then, I’m sure I’d be pretty peeved if someone mowed me down and ate what was left, so in a way the 2 meanings contradict each other into a paradoxical whirlwind of lies.
So in the last 2 weeks we have literally gotten nowhere in the investigation into lying. Oh well.
Joe Strange
Has a terrible feeling all my childhood friends will now turn on me for telling fibs.
So last we- I mean 2 weeks ago I started talking about lying, and this week I intend to continue that trend for one more article. That was not a lie. In the last edition I focused on the negative stigma attached to lying, stating it was one of man's innate characteristics and as natural as sex and bathing. This edition I intend to focus on the positive aspects of lying, where my selfish character may come through, and where I may disregard peoples feelings, but what do you care, you’re the internet.
I’m a lying fanatic, I used to lie all the time when I was a kid, just so that my stories would be entertaining, however after a few too many no way that happened’s from my friends I started telling the truth, but then my stories became less interesting... So I started to lie again (this is not a lie). But that’s the thing, being a guy who adores people’s attention and laughter I find myself expanding the truth some what, making things a bigger deal than they were, or adding a nun who swears, it’s all the same thing, but it’s not just me who works in the lies to get laughs, comedians do it all the time, they will change a story (which may not even be true in the first place) to make it more relatable or funnier. And the thing is there is nothing wrong with this sort of thing, it is harmless lying. No one is hurt and no one really looses out, the audience laugh and the comedian feels good about themselves.
We’re taught from an early age that lying is wrong, if you drew on the wall, you were to confess, it’s wrong to draw on the wall. If you stab Jim with a pencil, blame it on the quiet girl, you would not last long in prison, I mean come on, you’re a kid. But we’re also told about these wonderful things called “White Lies” these are the sorts of lies comedians, children and I love.
Oxford English Dictionary describes a "White Lie” as – A harmless lie told to avoid hurting someone’s feelings now, if you’re like one of those foreign men who sell fake Rolex’s on the street and by that I mean sneaky, not, a foreign man selling Rolex’s on the street, then you can interpret this in one of two ways:
One, you could interpret it the way teachers, parents and probation officers want you to, that you can tell a lie to stop you hurting someone’s feelings, and be boring, or you could interpret it the better way: Note how the describe says “Avoid hurting someone’s feelings” it doesn’t say someone else’s feelings. Which means a white lie can be used to make you feel better; the dictionary allows us to lie to make ourselves feel good, which means we can actually do whatever the hell we want. Think about it:
“Jim, did you eat the last of the Jaffa Cakes?”
telling the truth: “Yes I did Mama, I apologise”
“Well, You shall be grounded, and worst of all, I’m very disappointed in you Jim.”
Whereas
“Jim, did you eat the last Jaffa Cake?”
White Lie: “No”
“Oh good, now I don’t have to ground you and I’m very proud of you, you’re much better looking and talented than your younger brother.”
Everybody wins! See what Jim did there, he told a white lie to make someone feel better, even if that someone was himself, but as we’ve established, those are the rules. If he had told the truth then his mum would be sad because she would have to be disappointed, and everyone hates that, and plus he wouldn’t be able to go to that big high school dance with Jenny, who totally puts out.
And if you think about it, white lies with their original boring, selfless intention, are the worst kind of lies. If someone asks you “Does my bum look big in this?” and you don’t reply “Yes, your bottom is now the equivalent mass of all the tubs of Ben and Jerry’s that girls who have ever been dumped have eaten” then you are taking away you’re now both overweight and angry girlfriends excuse to mow you down and eat the remains.
But then, I’m sure I’d be pretty peeved if someone mowed me down and ate what was left, so in a way the 2 meanings contradict each other into a paradoxical whirlwind of lies.
So in the last 2 weeks we have literally gotten nowhere in the investigation into lying. Oh well.
Joe Strange
Has a terrible feeling all my childhood friends will now turn on me for telling fibs.
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